Pain

She is a very cute and bubbly 13 year old. At first, you may think she is ADD to the max. She flies around, changes the subject a lot, says very random things. She wanders off at times and ends up in places she shouldn’t be. She really does not like to be told what to do. I think a lot of people stop there. It takes quite an effort to have any sort of meaningful conversations and interactions with her. At the Teen Center however, we believe that the harder the teen is to get along with, the more akward and weird the teen is, the more the teen rubs us the wrong way, the more time and energy we will spend with them. We consider them sent to us by God. A gift, sometimes in very strange wrapping.

Today, at the first day of our Summer Day Camp, Xtreme 678 , I got to spend some time with this young girl, this gift from God, in very strange wrapping. We played chess. She didn’t really know how. She moved pieces the wrong way, she laughed at me when I tried to teach her, she made eye contact. This may not seem like such a big deal but if you knew her history you would understand. She lives in a foster home. She was put there because of horrible abuse. Unspeakable things done to her as she was growing up.

There is this strange place, this hard to explain thing that happens, when a  teen knows that you know, when without words, through eye contact, you somehow share their story, as eyes well up with tears and a disarming silence is shared, and somehow, somehow, a little bit of peace and hope is found. It is amazing how much can be said without words. It is amazing how well things can be communicated through presence, time and silence.

She needs healing. Lots of it. Her world is complete chaos. Her world is a raging hurricane of emotions and pain, suffering and evil. Her world is darkness. We don’t wait on the outside for her to figure things out, for her to clean up her act, for her to “mature”.

She is sent to us. By her Maker. For us to take on the hurricane in her life head on. Where there is darkness, we will be light, where there is pain, we will be healing balm, where men have almost destroyed her self image completely, we will rebuild from the ashes, with the help from her Maker, the beautiful gift to the world that she was meant to be. We will share her pain, we will ease her suffering, we will show her what a father should be, we will show her how a young girl should be treated.

We will push back the evil in her life, one smile at the time, on gentle hug at the time, minute after minute spent listening to her stories, time after time telling her how beautiful she is…

Heaven, Hell and Silly Random Questions

So, today at the Teen Center there were only girls around the table to begin with, well the guy I work with and I would count as guys I guess. What grew out of easy conversation about school, hot guys and homework, was a rich, deep conversation about death. One of the girls lost her dad last year to stomach cancer, partially due to drug use. Another girl’s dad is dying due to a heart condition and had lost her favorite uncle a few years ago. The third and last girl around the table, her dad, well… step-dad, was not a subject she was willing to discuss. She was however dealing with feelings of loss and some sort of “death” due to divorce. We shared, like I said, a deep rich, sad conversation about death and how sometimes places, songs and people remind us of the people we have lost. I told the story of a visit to the cemetery where my dad and grandparents are buried and how I was overwhelmed with emotions. One girl asked for permission to play her dad’s song and she said she promised not to cry. She looked very relieved when we told her that it was fine if she cried and that we may cry with her. So together, somewhat misty eyed, we listened to “Knock, Knock, Knocking on Heaven’s Door” Guns & Roses style. A beautiful moment of silence followed and then we started talking about heaven. What do we believe, or not, about heaven. One girl believed there is a heaven but didn’t have much to say about it, which we explained to her was fine. No need for clear answers. The next girl had lots to say about it. She believes our collective positive memories becomes at death our own personal heaven. A very spiritual universe, where she can do whatever she wants, and only good things happen, because she is only a memory, or spirit, she can travel across this universe at will. We encouraged her by appreciating the fact that she had put such effort into thinking about this and asked her lots of questions. Not to prove her wrong or point out faults but to make sure we had understood her beliefs. We then shared what we believed and went on to do the same thing with hell. A common thing among the two girls, one had to leave, was that there probably would have to be a hell because what if people didn’t like god and heaven, it would be really “sucky” to stay there forever. So they thought that, although kinda creepy, there’s probably room for a hell in their thinking. Plus the fact that really creepy, evil people should not be allowed in to heaven, it would kinda ruin things. Another girl had to leave, one girl went to play some pool. A “new” girl joined us on the couches and the reponse to our questions about heaven or hell was a little chilling. “I don’t care, there probably is a heaven and a hell, but I’m gonna do what I gonna do and then god can whatever he wants to. Noone will or can control me. I’m my own”.

We then gathered on the couches for a time of “Absolute Random and Whimsical Questions”. Here are some examples; “If you were stuck in a room full of colored balls, what song would you sing?” or “Would you rather be able to taste colors or see flavors?” or “What would you rather eat, a teaspoon of puss or a scab off of someones wound?”.

It may seem like the last part was un-necessary but we have found that humor can be a great tool, a chance to connect and a great way to end the day

Presence

He calls himself “a little autistic” or “not as other kids” or sometimes he makes comments about being heavily medicated. He is short and really heavy. He lies and exaggerates often. I don’t think he means it in an evil and deceiving way. I think this is how he tries to belong. It is very awkward to have him at the teen center. He rubs the other teens the wrong way often and many teens try to avoid him. That’s why he is such a gift to us. He throws off the idea that community is perfect and that we have it all figured out. He forces us to re-examine ourselves and look for ways to engage with him in ways that are helpful for him.

This young man came to the teen center today, early, because it’s spring break. He tells his stories. Today he said the military called him and wanted him to train some special forces. He was also going to become a NASCAR driver. He also had become a dragster driver and a sponsored skateboarder. I didn’t engage with that at all. It could possibly throw him off and contribute to him becoming frustrated. That becomes a waste of time. So instead, I give him, presence. I laugh with him, we shot some pool, we listen to his ipod and at a quarter to five he has to leave and he always says something to the affect of “man, I love it here, you’re the best, we’re like this” and he tries to cross his index and middle finger. There is power in presence.

When he left, a 14 year old girl came by and she’s a tricky one. She’s a hider. She doesn’t like to talk. She really wants to communicate but she doesn’t like to talk. Today she looked really sad. So we sat down by the computer and I asked her what the saddest song she knew was. She said, “Concrete Angel” by Martina McBride. We listened to it and watched the video. It was really sad. I played one of my saddest songs “Who Says Grown Men Don’t Cry”, by Tim McGraw, then she picked another sad song, “Christmas Shoes” by NewSong, and then we sat for awhile together, sad. She sighed really loud. Then she smiled really big, jumped off her chair and said, “Well, I gotta go, see ya tomorrow”. She jumped and skipped out of the teen center. There is power in presence. 

If you have ears…

Friday’s at the Teen Center are really cool. We call it Friday Feast. Which just means that we cook something healthy and eat it family style. It is amazing to see how the teens have responded to this. Eating together as a family seems to be a thing of the past and most of the teens really like our Fridays. One of my favorite memories from the Teen Center comes from a Friday Feast, where one young girl looked up at the picture of The Last Supper that’s hanging on the wall, and said something like “Hey that could be us, just hanging out, eating together”. Now in all honesty, I don’t think she said that with much depth and spiritual clarity but we sure have had some cool conversations after that.

Yesterday, we had our Hispanic posse come out for Friday feast. I have really come to love these guys. We had decided to do what we call a field trip, that means that we carry out some couches and chairs right outside the door of the Teen Center. So in the wonderful spring sun light, on some second hand couches and worn out chairs we shared a meal together. Chili and fresh bread, fruit and vegetable smoothies. We got to listen to our Hispanic friends share stories about being treated different because of race. How teachers at school treat them different, how other teens treat them different and it was sad but very rich. I love the fact that the Teen center contains space where this can happen. You can come and lay out whatever is tough in your life and not just receive shallow attempts for easy fixes or unhelpful attempts to brush things under a rug. You will be listened to, you will get empathy, your pain will be shared, your suffering recognized. Your mistakes and things you’re not very proud of will also be listened to without judgement but with respectful nudges towards change.

I felt very honored to sit with these guys and hear their stories. I think it was great for our non-Hispanic teens to hear all this. I think it maybe harder to drop little half-teasing racial slurs and tell racial jokes after seeing the pain and hearing the frustration from these guys.

If you have ears, if you listen, you can hear the Kingdom…

It’s about space…

So yesterday we had two visitors that don’t show up that often but when they do, it makes for an interesting time. The one girl, she has come to the teen center on and off for two years. Her story is a tragic one. Lost her brother in a traffic accident, have tried to dull the pain from that with drugs and other not so helpful stuff. She dropped out of school but not because of lack of intelligence. This girl is super sharp, very witty, she is now working. When she comes to the teen center she wants to talk. She comes when life has handed her something complicated, and her life choices at times aren’t the best. She said yesterday that she thinks about the teen center and the staff there, every day and she now wants to start a group where older teens could sit in a circle and help each other with important decisions. So where does space come in? Well, we choose to not engage with certain things. Things like language, music, dress, and attitude. If I would have stopped listening to this girl because of her language, I would have never learned her story, I would have never become part of her story. If I would have only focused on and engaged with her attitude and the music she listen to, I would have never gotten the time to earn her trust. Because of a very open space, where teens are free to say just about anything and share anything, we have earned their trust, they know beyond any shadow of a doubt that they won’t be judged, or shamed, or ridiculed. It’s almost like confession. This girl comes maybe once a month for some sort of confession. It’s like she needs someone to see her life, her real life, the good , the bad, and the ugly and she has chosen us, because she knows its safe and that we will do anything to help her. I think she knows she is loved.

The other girl, she has the worst mouth I have ever encountered. I worked construction for 6 years. This girl beats any rough construction worker I have ever met when it comes to language. Your first impression of this girl would be that she is tough as nails. Rumor has it that she is a cold hearted bitch, ready to fight at the drop of a hat. If we would have engaged with any of that, like kicked her out because of language or threats, her hyper sexual stories, her love of violence, we would have never gotten to know the really sweet, scared, wounded little girl that lives under all that rough exterior. She does a similar thing as the first girl I shared about, she comes to the teen center about once a month, often with the girl in the first story, and if no one is there but the staff, she is softer and gets to the point, usually boyfriend problems or family problems, quicker. If there are other teens there, she does her usual hard core thing to keep them away. I’ll never forget this one time, she wouldn’t come inside, I think because she was a little high on pot, but I went outside to say hi and when she saw me she ran up and gave me a hug calling me dad. Everyone laughed and thought it was funny, that she was joking, but when she was done hugging me, her face said something else. She was home. With her family and sadly enough, it was not her mom and dad, it was the teen center and the staff there. 

Sacred Space

I came home yesterday very emotionally tired and raw. It was hard to hold back the tears and maybe I should have taken a moment to just let it all out but dinner needed to be fixed, some dishes needed to be done and a beautiful wife and three wonderful kids needed some time and engagement  so I didn’t.

It all started last week as we got a new visitor to our teen center. A young 14 year old, cute, shy, emo looking girl came with her step mom to check things out. I get a little worried and totally excited when we get new people to our teen center. Excited because I love to get to know these teens, to learn their story, to be able to learn from them, to see how God has already worked and is working in their lives, it truly is an adventure. Worried because their story so often is  full of pain, suffering, hopelessness, fear and violence and it is hard to become a carrier of their story, it’s hard because I have no quick fixes to offer, no easy buttons to hand out.

Back to the new girl. At 14, she finds her self with a meth addict mom, three months sober from pills and pot, she’s a cutter. She is trying to navigate her life in a new way, leaving her old life and friends behind. We have sat for two days now and she has poured her life out to us, her hard feelings and frustration with dealing with an absent drug addict mom, her deep, deep depression, horror stories of cutting, sad sad stories of trying to find some firm ground in a whirlwind of drugs and misery, scary stories of wondering if it’s worth it, wanting sometimes to do drugs again, to cut herself again. But there’s also some hope. In all this, inspired by her grand parents faith, she reads the bible, the psalms are her favorite book, she prays, she writes poetry to God, sometimes angry poetry. To sit and listen to her stories, to share her pain, her suffering, her struggles and to find God already at work in her life is humbling, stunningly beautiful, emotionally overwhelming and brings such hope. I love my job…

Interesting Website

Check this one out. Wonderful resources for your churches, home-groups, faith communities, coffeehouse -meetings…

http://www.proost.co.uk

Book I’m reading

I got to hang out with Mike King and Chris Folmsbee a little and it was a incredibly encouraging. I really like these guys, they are passionate about youth, they understand and live the whole “missional” thing. I wished I could have spent more time with them because I could tell that I had a lot to learn from them and they are gracious teachers. I have felt such discouragement in regards to youth ministry, I don’t even like the word but these two guys brought some hope and excitement back for me and I am really excited. I am reading Mike’s book ;

Presence-centered Youth Ministry:

Guiding Students into Spiritual Formation

     

It’s a must read book if you are working with youth, even if you are not working at a church with a youth group, but work with youth in other an context, like me, you will get such encouragement and you’ll be challenged and find new imagination as to what it means to really work with teens and youth. I’ll blogg some more this week about the Book. I also ordered Chris Folmsbee’s book ;

“A New Kind of Youth Ministry”

     

and Andrew Root’s;

Revisiting Relational Youth Ministry: From a Strategy of Influence to a Theology of Incarnation

I can’t wait. I’ll keep you posted. If you know of any other really great youth “Ministry” books, let me know.

And now to something completely different…It’s Valentine’s Day and I want to give a huge shout-out to my wife, the love of my life, my best friend, my ally…

We joke about me running of with a younger bomb shell of a thing during my coming mid-life crisis, but I always come back to that I don’t think anyone else could or would put up with me, or my strange humor and my extreme stubbornness. No one else would or could listen to my strange, wild, deep musings about life and theology and smile and tell me to go back to doing the dishes . So babe;

No one loves me like you do and you are delicious…

Books you could check out

Amazon.com Widgets

Coming to a town near you